I'm Back after over a year ;)

On this dark night I decided to venture back onto my blog, digging with the posts of old and being generally disturbed. The first post especially about 'being the sexiest man in the world', not that I'll deny it, but it certainly seems odd... 

Anyway I am back here to give you a message, firstly that I am still just as sexy as before and secondly I'm just as straight as before so yeah, you better be on the look out if you're of the female persuasion as like a Tiger that has just discovered the joys of carbon monoxide poisoning I'm ready to pounce, though not like a duck... definitely not like a duck. So yeah I thought I'd post my speed dating profile here for you all to check it out.

NAME - Whatever you want it to be.

GENDER - Whatever you wnt it to be as long as it's male otherwise we may have a problem.

SEXUAL PREFERENCE - Alien Lioness's or just regular females which ever is easier really.

LOCATION - I am a pan-dimensional demon, ready to devour the flesh of all who have sinned. If you want me I'll wil already have been there waiting, to prey upon your body and harvest your flesh for use by a Scrabble club when tey run out of letters.

HOBBIES - Inspecting the livers of newly born zebras, eating shit tons of lotus flowers and you know all that normal shit like listening to rock and playing guitar.

WHY I'M A BADASS - Cus I'm in desolation row like a rolling stone, blowing in the wind to mr tambourine man in Bob Dylan's 115th Dream on Highway 61... bitches.

That is all I'm afraid so...

Long Live Rock N Roll

- David

Prisoners Might Be Able To Vote?

I was reading this article on BBC News http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-18157566

This talks about how the European Court of Human Rights has decided that individual governments can vote on  whether Prisoners can have the vote.

Now this is a very interesting topic. Should prisoners have the right to vote like free men?

In my opinion I believe that they should not be able to as I believe that when you commit a crime deemed by the state to be punishable by a prison sentence then your rights are forfeit. They clearly have rejected society and gone against it so why should they have a say in which of the 3 fachist parties gets elected. They have gone against society so have no place in interfering with it.

Other people say that voting would help them to integrate them better into society and reduce crime. I think it's a load of crap that it would reduce crime rates. Just because they can vote doesn't mean they wouldn't re offend. You see plenty of people who have been let out of prison and are eligible to vote then re-offend. As I've said I believe you forfeit your rights when you commit a crime worthy of prison.

Tell your opinions below :)

Yours,

David

Atherton House

When I was in reception - year 3 I went to a school called Atherton House. It was a wonderful school and it was truly a family. I loved every second of it and have many fond memories. I had my first love, my first kiss, my first friend, my first enemy, my first bully and many other fond memories. Let me talk a little bit about it and I will reveal more stories in further posts.

It was run by a women called Mrs Apel who was also the headmistress and the nicest, kindest teacher you could imagine. We had 4 main classes:- Nursery, Lower School, Middle School and Upper School.  So I started in lower school of course in reception and had a strict old cow named Mrs Hollinghurst. She was a bitch with major OCD. She would inspect our pencil tins and we had to have all the pencils facing the same direction or she'd snap. I may have called her a cow but I owe a lot to her. She was phenomenal  at teaching. She taught me to read exceptionally quickly and I raced through the books we were given to read. I developed a love of reading then that I continue to have because of her.

Now if anyone knows me who is reading this then they will know I am a complete atheist but when I was younger I was a devout Christian. I remember in Year 1 I had a teacher called Ms Tiffan (Also just to note I was still in the same class of lower school the same class as reception and year 2). She encouraged me to take part in a bible reading competition. Yes that's right a bible reading competition. Well I came first out of about 10 kids. How could I not have done? That is the moment I discovered that even though i'm very shy I am bloody good at public speaking. The only time i've ever not won in a debate or public speaking competition was last year in school. Which was probably because saying how capital punishment should be enforced with gory details doesn't go down well in a Catholic school :\

In Year 2 I was still in Lower School and had Ms Tiffan again. I will reiterate this was a small school and I will give an example of how small very soon. I could tell a million and 1 stories about reception, year 1 and 2 but I will save them for further posts.

 My last year in the school was Year 3 :(. I was looking forward to going into middle school which Mrs Crawford taught but then the Headmistress decided she was going to move the whole of year 3 into upper school instead. The reason behind that was because she wanted to teach me and my friend. So suddenly I was in the same class as the year 6's!!! Now most people would think how did Year 3,4,5 and 6 fit in 1 class? Well I'll explain.

In year 3, 4, 5 and 6 put together there were 9 people. 5 year 6's, 1 year 5, 1 year 4 and 2 year 3's. That was it. Me and my friend Michael Clayton were the only 2 people in the whole of year 3 and our friend Stanley was the only person in year 4! I said it was a small school!

It was certainly an odd class but then disaster struck. My friend in year 2 called Jordan decided he was going to move to Merchants at the end of the year. Then his best friend Joshua who was also 1 of my best friends decided he would leave to Merchant's. Of course the 5 year 6's were leaving. The year 5 left before the year was over. Then Stanley (the only guy in year 4) decided to move. Me and Micheal then decided we had no real choice but to move. I went to the mount and he went somewhere else.

That was the last proper year the school ever had. Ever since then it has been a nursery. I was in the last year of it being a school ever. If you walk past it I think it still has the original sign saying children from 4-11 but in  fact it only children from 0-3. It is sad, so very sad. I sometimes walk past it and peek through the fence to take a look. It holds so many happy memories and I wish my time there hadn't been cut so short. I mean I liked the mount but compared to Atherton it was like going to school in a pile of dog shit.

I miss Atherton and wished it still existed properly but there are more tales to be told that will be on this blog from that place.

Yours,

David

Am I Gay?

I am obsessed with the French actress Audrey Tautou. My eyes have never bared witness to a sight as elegant and beautiful as that of Audrey Tautou in the film Amelie. Surrounded by the backdrop of the greatest city ever built my mere mortals, which of course is Paris.

If you don't know who Audrey Tautou is she appeared in Amelie, Venus Beauty Institute, Beautiful Lies and She Loves Me She Loves Me Not. All of these are Romantic Comedy's which I can't say I like at all. I prefer thrillers by people such as Christopher Nolan and the almighty Darren Aronofsky. The only reason I have seen the films I  listed, besides Amelie, is simply because of the beauty of the actress Audrey Tautou.

You may be wondering what this has to do with my title 'Am I Gay' well I was told today that in fact I am gay from my friend. He claimed he had evidence which was completely false but still I wanted to clarify a few things.

I am honestly 100% straight. The mere thought of touching a man in a sexual nature repulses me. I am only interested in Women in a sexual way.

I don't know how I come across as gay. I mean could it be that I've never had a girlfriend? Well the reason i've never had a girlfriend is due to the fact I am a generally shy person. I'm just a nervous person but yet strangely feel completely confident when I do public speaking where I am in my element. Anyway this fact does not make me gay, just shy.

I was also told I had 'A gay air about me'. The phrase 'A gay air' I would interpret that as meaning camp. Well I would describe myself as being a bit camp. Being camp though has nothing to do with one's sexual orientation. I would say I am a little like David Lee Roth (Lead singer of Van Halen in the 70's and early 80's). David Lee Roth certainly has 'An air of gayness' about him well certainly in my opinion but is very straight. I mean when Van Halen released their single 'Beautiful Girls'  they were on tour and at every stop Lee Roth would hold a beauty pageant at the radio station. He would usually get about 100 young women that were scantily clad and he would say the 1 he judged to be the prettiest would win a Backstage pass. Every single time he would say "You're all so pretty, I can't choose so you can all have backstage passes.". Then after the shows he would sleep with a ton of them and even the roadies saw some action.

So in conclusion i'm straight and I bid you lovely people who read my badass blog farewell!

Yours,

David

A Great Story :)

Well people who read my blog. I have a special story for you today. Those who know this story will not see a point in reading it but anyone else definitely should as it is amusing, well in my opinion.

So last summer I was in Florence and I started getting friendly with this English girl from Grimsby. She was a very nice person and very beautiful. We got on exceptionally well and had a lot in common. I really liked her and she appeared to like me. One fateful day though I fucked up! She said to me "Do you want to go out with". As soon as she had uttered those terrifying words I was in a frenzied panic. My heart was racing with joy and my mind was terrified. I don't know how I managed to hide the sheer terror going in my mind as it raced around in circles.

Now I was panicking for the simple reason that this had  I had never been asked out before or even had a girlfriend before. The mixture of happiness and terror sent shock waves down my spine as my mind spiralled into a deep abyss desperately looking for something to say. Now with the joys of hindsight I should have just said yes. That would have been quick, simple and painless but I didn't. I replied to her "Of course as I like my women like I like my sumos. nice and big". I would like to clarify that she was not even at all fat. Why did I say those harsh, cold, phlegmatic words I will never know but obviously she took great offence at it. I mean who would blame her. She then raised her arm so high it was like an eclipse before striking it down across my face leaving bright red marks. It was very painful and I stung on the inside and out.

I truly regret saying what I did and will certainly not make the mistake in future. I was an idiot and had a moment of weakness but i'm only human to be honest and it now remains an amusing tale.

Yours,

David

Why we are all in fact marshmallows!

So I theorise that the entire world as we know it is made of marshmallows. Let me elaborate for all you uncultured young uns.

So in the beginning there was nothing and I mean literally nothing except for 1 lone koala that was floating lonely as a cloud in the abyss of nothing. Now this koala enjoyed marshmallows now i'm sure the first thing you're thinking is how exactly does this coincide with Michio Kaku's theory of nothing but trust me it does.

Now as Stephen Hawking once said "Black Holes are in fact places where koalas stash their infinite source of marshmallows." Now this theory is widely regarded as being scientifically flawless e.g. E=MC2. Now this mean s Elephants = Mice X Camels squared. Now remember this and I will carry on the story.

First though i'm sure you're wondering where the koala got the marshmallows from. Let me explain! so we've established that Elephants = Mice X Camels squared so if you multiply this by the entire fibonacci sequence you end up with the number 1.8 X 10 to the power of 9999966661717427254347143246341. This may seem like a very small number to you but in fact uttering this number delivers you marshmallows.]

Anyway the koala was eating a nice marshmallow and texted his mate pandabear saying "lol I just thought of the f**kin funniet idea ever you old twat. Why don't I create a marshmallow planet then make all the inhabitants  serve my every f**kin sexual whim LMFAO". Now I never said koalas were nice people!

So the koala got a marshmallow and rolled it up then chucked it in the air. Somehow it floated and life evolved from the marshmallow. Now this actually goes with Darwin's theory of natural selection as only the sweetest marshmallows could survive the harsh climate. These marshmallows eventually evolved into humans.

As the randy koala put on his favourite gimp suit to ask his new species to sexually please him he made a fatal mistake. Now you should know this koala was turned on by putting suffocating himself with plastic bags. He tied this plastic bag to tight and fell to earth screaming about the financial situation of merseyrail.

This is what I honestly believe! :)

Your,
David

Am I the sexiest guy in the world?

In my opinion I am indeed the sexiest guy in the world! I do believe that any girl would cut their own arm off to spent a night with me or so I hope. Now as perfect as I may sound there are some problems I've come across with being this sexually appealing.

1. I've never had a girlfriend and I believe the reason for this is that I am so sexy that girl's are actually intimidated by this fact. I mean being the sexiest man in the world the fact I have never had a girlfriend bemuses me as well but unfortunately it's fact :(. So don't be too sexy as it seems like a disadvantage from my findings.

2. Girl's find my one liners so amazing they run away e.g. This girl said to me "Do you wanna go out with me?" and I said "Of course as I like my women like I like my sumos, nice and big!". She slapped me and ran away. I never saw her again. It must have been that my 1 liner was so sexy she was actually it tears at it's beauty.4

3. Last but not least a problem I have is being forced to put my leg in awkward places by people in French lessons. Now I attribute this too the fact that my legs are so irresistible that people constantly want to stare and admire there magnificent grandeur.

So make sure you don't end up a sexy as me as it appears to cause more problems than you'd expect.


p.s. It's quite sad that I have so little self esteem I feel need to tweet lies when in fact I make golemn look hot :(

Yours,
David